With the technology wave wiping us out and taking us with it, it is surprising just how many times people (boys – boys who should be men but are boys) manage to have mobile malfunctions in one day. Whether it be the ‘My battery died’ or the ‘I swear I replied babe it must have not sent’, the universally understood outcome is that you are standing in the rain whilst your suede trainers get proper fucked, your fingers fall the fuck off and your entire being sighs as your last shred of hope follows the sky pissing into a nearby drain. In these situations, when it becomes evident that man’s technological advances almost mirror the rapid decline in man’s capacity to function as a fucking human being, we must endeavour to regain our balance in this ever decaying society we find ourselves in.
Say you’re trying to smoke a doob, but you happen to be holding loads of unnecessary objects, like a kettle and loads of keys and a baseball bat and a really expensive vase your mum was given years ago but has never used because, in her words, ‘it’s too wanky’. How on earth does one manoeuvre around such an intrinsically complicated conundrum? You ditch all of the unnecessary shit and you focus on the real job at hand, because to smoke the doob is your goal and by God you will achieve it.
Side Note: You will be thankful to discover that this format is in fact not like snapchat, and that last paragraph won’t be going anywhere in 10 seconds time so you can claim you never saw it -but this is also helpful in case you decide to reread to be sure you’re truly picking up the shit I’m putting down.
Fuck iPhones. Fuck the rain. Fuck expensive vases. and Fuck You.